Are Narcissists Capable of Love? (9 Important Considerations)

Are narcissists capable of love? Let’s dive deeper into this!

Narcissists are initially so good at overdoing it with care and affection, so that’s when it’s hardest to tell. It’s also the time when they reel you in and make you feel like you can’t live without them.

There are eight main words for love in ancient Greek, each signifying a different form of love. The types most of us are after today are deep friendship, selfless, enduring, and family loves.

Most people also want passionate and playful love with a partner, but those alone don’t get you through the hard times.

There are also words for self-love and obsessive love. Do those sound scary? They probably do if you know a narcissist.

Narcissists appear to be self-lovers in an obsessive way, but many are miserable and self-loathing on the inside. What you see is what they want you to see.

Also, they can be passionate and playful in the beginning, but narcissism makes them push away the other four types of love in what they do.

You’ll never get a narcissist to love you the way you want. Here’s why.

1. They always feel superior to others

In an ideal relationship, both people have a healthy love of self but hold the other’s needs in higher or equal regard.

Narcissists can’t do that. They need to be superior all the time, or they just might have a breakdown. That makes it impossible to develop selfless and lasting love.

There’s no room for self-sacrifice. You’ll only see a mirage of true love in the love bombing phase or in the devaluation phase if there’s something for the narcissist to gain.

2. Their insecurity makes them hurt others

We all knew or knew of a kid in elementary school who put others down and still seemed charming. Maybe our child minds even saw that person as bold.

The truth is bullies are never bold. Those bullies are sometimes narcissists who grow up to hurt others the rest of their lives because they can’t get attention or make themselves look good any other way.

With their low self-esteem, even they don’t see themselves as good. When someone starts giving you the praise the narcissist wants, expect that narcissist to put you down like it’s third grade. That’s not love.

Someone who loves you will be happy for you, build you up, and not dish out backhanded compliments or disparaging remarks.

3. They just don’t really care

Why? Because they’re too obsessed with themselves. Even though they lack self-esteem, their focus is always on themselves.

You’re right if you guessed the reason for that as the narcissist trying to maintain a fake image. They just can’t handle people thinking poorly of them.

There’s no room for self-obsession in a mutually loving relationship. As a loving person, you’re thinking about how to improve your partner’s life.

Your partner is also thinking about how to improve their own life, but who’s looking out for you? No care equals no love, and that’s not fair to you.

4. Weakness pushes them away

Imagine a four-rung ladder. The bottom rung is the image of what a narcissist sees and likes. That’s you, your strength and other qualities.

The second rung is the narcissist wanting to be like you. The third rung is the narcissist trying to create a persona that incorporates anything about you or others they admire.

The fourth rung is when the narcissist gets to know you and sees your weaknesses, and from there the narcissist has nowhere to go.

We all have weaknesses, and we expect to be able to share them with those we love.

Weakness doesn’t make narcissists feel the need to help you, console you, or do anything else loving.

It just makes them want to attack you, punish you or start detaching. Your weakness might make them look bad or feel threatened.

Narcissistic partners have left people to get cancer, being injured, or even becoming mentally ill from the narcissist’s abuse. That’s cruel, but that’s a narcissist.

Someone who has nothing left to give a narcissist is of no use to them. Since they lack selfless love, they’re out the door to find a new supply when theirs runs out.

5. They lack boundaries and respect

Love and trust go hand in hand, and respect is an important part of the trust. Narcissists can’t even trust themselves, because they don’t really know who they are.

They project that lack of trust onto you. They’ll make wild accusations. Maybe you had to work late, and the narcissist demands that you send pictures every 30 minutes to prove you’re really at work.

Narcissists try to control you because of their own insecurity, so they’ll never respect any boundaries. You may find the narcissist going through your phone frequently, calling your friends, or doing other disturbing things.

A jealous narcissist is more effective than the world’s best detective. Jealousy can make it seem like someone really wants you, but narcissists want whatever you’re supplying to feed their ego.

That’s what they don’t want to lose.

When you add the manipulation and gaslighting they’ll pull off to make you think you’re the bad one, it can make you start to think you’re the one who can’t show real love.

6. They lack empathy and compassion

If you had a pie chart of daily narcissist brain activity, it might be about 70% thinking of themselves, 29% planning to get what they want, and 1% miscellaneous stuff.

When you go to tell a narcissist about a problem you’re having, you may get talked down to. You may be told to quit complaining. The narcissist may talk about their problems or get mad and leave the room.

They can’t understand you, and they don’t really want to try since they don’t care. Remember, you’re supposed to be the strong one to handle all the narcissist’s crises.

When they need help or want to complain, they expect you to be beyond compassionate and empathetic. If not, the narcissist is a victim.

One-way love creates a very lonely mental state to be in, and it’ll wear on you fast.

7. They lack object constancy

Since they lack object constancy, narcissists can see any fight, disagreement or change as creating instability in the relationship.

Do you want to start buying healthier foods at the supermarket and get into better shape for your health? A narcissist may think that you will start hunting for a different partner next.

Because of this lack of object constancy and their lack of empathy, they can’t express positive feelings and emotions consistently. They may not even let themselves feel them in the devaluation phase.

This makes it impossible to have a meaningful relationship, which is what you need for a deep and lasting love.

8. They don’t live in reality

For couples, real love requires facing real problems together. For family and friends, it requires real sacrifice. Dealing with real things isn’t a narcissist’s forte.

When people love each other, they have to look at themselves, their partner, and their relationship realistically. Narcissists can’t.

Narcissists will just walk out of the room when you want to talk. They’ll get angry if you want to discuss a problem or anything that threatens that fake reality they try so hard to create.

You can’t develop a solid relationship and lasting love on a lack of communication and a narcissist’s delusions.

9. They inevitably devalue and discard people

Lastly, keep in mind that true narcissists tend to go through phases with relationships. You may be familiar with them already. Love bombing, devaluation, and discard.

The devaluation phase can last a long time, but narcissists are always on the prowl to keep their options open if they need to discard you.

Yes, that hurts. Yes, that sucks. It’s crushing to know that someone you truly love can never love you back the same way.

Some people stay in the relationship and deal with it, and others walk away. The choice is up to you, but don’t let anyone make you believe you’re not strong, valuable and important.

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