Covert Narcissist Mother
Interested in insights on covert narcissist mothers? Then this guide is for you!
While it might seem easy to spot a narcissist, even a parent, it’s a little more difficult if you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
A covert, vulnerable, or closet narcissist is not so outward about his or her narcissism, but the individual will still feel an exaggerated sense of importance and entitlement.
If you’ve ever wondered if your mother is a covert narcissist or if you’re worried that you may show symptoms of narcissism yourself, there are some signs to look for when it comes to parenting, specifically from a covert narcissistic mother.
- She acts like the typical good mother
Because parents are always supposed to have the best interests of their children at heart, this is what the narcissist mother will portray, at least to the rest of the world. At home, if you don’t like a decision she makes for you, she’ll claim that she’s doing whatever it is because she loves you or just wants the best for you. - You only exist as an extension of her
Whatever you do totally affects her and her reputation. If you do good, this makes her look good as well, and she may take the credit for the wonderful parenting she’s done to help you succeed. In the same way, if you do bad, it makes her look bad. She’ll be sure to criticize you. She won’t care that you might be having a hard time; she’ll only care about what your mistake does to her or how it causes her to feel. - She pretends to care
To those in and out of your family circle, your mother may appear to be doting and dedicated when around others. As you know, your treatment is much different at home, and she might ignore you a lot. There are also times when your narcissist mother will act like she cares about you or what you want. In these cases, it’s usually only so that she gets something that she wants in return. Whenever the covert narcissist mother pretends to care, it’s usually with ulterior motives. - She violates your boundaries
Everything that you do is her business. She may ask you a barrage of questions just to get information. She may text or call your friends when you’re not home. She may offer your significant other relationship advice. Nothing is off limits. Your mother may go into your room without knocking even when you’re at home. She may go through your things and even wear your clothing without asking first. This type of mother may intentionally do or say things just to get a reaction from you. - She can’t take criticism
Although the narcissist mother is great at criticizing you for every little thing, the second she feels that any criticism is aimed at her, she loses it. Whether you question her words or behaviors or you straight up tell her you don’t like something she did, she’ll either become aggressive and have an angry outburst, or she will cry and become defensive, claiming that whatever she did was only meant to help you. Although she can question you, you’re never to question her. - She is a victim
When the narcissistic mother wants sympathy or attention, she’s sure to act like such a victim. She’ll be sure to tell you about all that she sacrificed for you and your family or how she had such a horrible childhood that’s it’s a wonder she turned out as well as she did. No matter how much-alleged trauma she went through, she came out victorious. She may even cry crocodile tears during her one-sided tirades. She’ll definitely tell you the same stories over and over again, and you’ll need to act like it’s new information or suffer her wrath. - She blames others
A narcissist will never take responsibility for his or her own mistakes or failures; it will always be the fault of someone else. The covert narcissist mother will throw a fit or have a complete meltdown trying to avoid taking responsibility. Whether she blames the children or one of the children willingly takes the blame for the situation just to get the mother to stop, that child will be punished for something he or she didn’t even do so that the mother doesn’t have to admit her weakness. - She can’t let go
When you try to exert your independence, your mother will do whatever she can to hold on to her ability to control you. If you want to go away to college, she’ll try to convince you to put it off and stay close to home. Finding and keeping a partner can be a challenge as the covert narcissist will find fault with that person and may even blame him or her for trying to take you away. Whatever it is that you try to do on your own, your mother will try to prevent it even if she has to intentionally sabotage your efforts. - Her actions and words don’t match
This type of mother will create a vision of who she is and try to sell that to her children and other family members. While the family members may buy this version of the covert narcissist, the children will notice that her words don’t match up with who she really is. Additionally, she’s likely to use double standards a lot, expecting you to uphold to certain behaviors while she doesn’t have to follow the same rules. - She switches her identity
She’ll keep you confused by occasionally becoming the mother that she should be. This is likely to happen if the mother notices that her children aren’t as much under her control as she’d like or if they begin to question her motives or behaviors. Once the children are back into a realm of complacence, the mother will switch back to her abusive narcissistic tactics to get her way. - She’ll make you out to be the bad guy
Whether you question her behavior or confront her about her narcissistic traits, your mother will turn the entire situation around to make you seem like you’re ungrateful or just a troublemaker. Sometimes she’ll use this tactic to your face. Other times, she’ll go behind your back and make other family members believe that she’s only tough on you because you’re a bad child or have some sort of behavioral problem. - She uses gaslighting
Gaslighting is one of the favorite tactics of any narcissist. It’s used to make you doubt yourself, sometimes to the point that you feel like you’re losing control or your mind. The covert narcissist mother will use a variety of tactics to keep you dependent on her for the truth, or her version of it, and for direction because you’ll stop trusting your own abilities. - She comes first
No matter what, the covert narcissist mother always comes first. If you need something for school, you may have to wait for it, if you get it at all, until your mother makes sure she has everything she wants first. If you have an appointment, she may cancel it or make you get there late while she finishes up what she was doing at home. - Gifts come with strings
She may hold a gift over your head, withhold giving it to you, or take a gift back if you don’t do what she asks. In the alternative, she can’t accept gifts that you choose because they’ll never be good enough. The covert narcissistic mother will tell you exactly what to get her for every occasion as a means to maintain control.
