How to Outsmart a Narcissist: 7 Effective Ways
Narcissists are incredibly difficult to deal with. Even when they aren’t violent, they can still wound you emotionally and psychologically.
They can damage different areas of your life and undermine your self-worth.
Ideally, you’ll have little or no contact with narcissists. But what happens if you need to interact with them?
The following are several ways to outsmart a narcissist and minimize their ability to hurt you.
1. Withhold the reactions they want
Narcissists enjoy opportunities to show that they have power over you. One way they demonstrate their power is by provoking emotional reactions.
Depending on the situation, they may want sympathy for themselves. Or they may want to see you become hurt, angry, and defensive.
Sometimes, they want you to become anxious and turn to them for their advice and interference.
Try not to give them the reactions they’re looking for. Keep your conversations with them as brief and straightforward as possible.
Don’t share your worries with them, shout at them, or tell them they’re hurting you.
If they ask you questions, keep your replies limited to only what’s necessary to share. If they make unpleasant comments about you, you may need to correct their factual errors, particularly if someone else is listening.
Other times, ignoring what they’ve said and calmly ending the conversation may be the best route.
2. Avoid protracted arguments
Narcissists see an argument as a contest in which they can best you. They’ll do virtually anything to win.
They’ll fling accusations, provoke insults, mock your emotional reactions, threaten you, or lie about what they said two minutes ago.
Remember that they aren’t fighting fair. When you argue with them, it doesn’t matter if you lay out your arguments rationally. They need to win and be right.
Because they aren’t empathetic, you also can’t appeal to them for mercy or understanding.
Although it’s best not to engage with them, a dispute is sometimes unavoidable.
For example, a practical or legal matter may need to be resolved. What can you do in that situation?
A key tactic is to keep your focus on the specific issue. A narcissist may try to turn the argument into a general attack on your character.
Even if this is upsetting, try to avoid getting distracted. Instead, keep bringing the argument back to the issue you’re currently dealing with.
Another tactic is to avoid mirroring them. Even if they’re screaming, don’t scream back at them. If they insult you, don’t insult them.
They’re looking for opportunities to escalate fights, claim victimhood, and make you seem unreasonable.
In some cases, it’s necessary to enlist the assistance of a lawyer. A lawyer can help protect your interests during different kinds of costly disputes.
With a lawyer working on your behalf, you may also be able to reduce the amount of time you spend talking to the narcissist.
3. Understand your triggers
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, they’re quick to figure out your insecurities. They discover what makes you feel afraid and ashamed.
During arguments and even ordinary conversations, they make it a point of using your insecurities against you.
To disarm the narcissist, you must understand how they can trigger you. What buttons will they press to induce powerful emotions?
Common triggers involve appearance, finances, and competence in various life areas. If you’re insecure about your relationships, a narcissist will also use that against you.
Knowing your triggers helps keep you from being caught off-guard. When a narcissist makes a wounding remark, you can immediately remind yourself that they’re just saying these things to hurt you.
They have never been interested in truly understanding you and don’t have the power to define you.
After a wounding remark, silently reassure yourself.
In your mind, say something supportive to yourself to defuse the stress or pain of the triggering comment. You can even plan out what you’ll say to yourself in advance.
The narcissist may expect you to react with tears or shouting. Instead, give them a calm, brief reply. You can say, “That’s how you feel, yes.” After that, return to the main topic of conversation.
Narcissists may also manipulate your insecurities by complimenting you. Maybe it’s something you long to hear. They do this to draw you back in and get you to lower your guard around them.
Don’t take it at face value when you hear praise from a narcissist. As with your response to insults, keep your replies short and bland.
You can say, “That’s nice.” After that, direct the conversation back to the main topic.
4. Be careful around mutual friends and acquaintances
Even if you have minimal contact with a narcissist, they may use other people to get at you. Sometimes, they encourage people to harm or shun you actively. Other times, their approach is more subtle.
Let’s say you have a mutual friend with a narcissist. The narcissist may use your friend to find out what’s happening in your life.
After your friend meets with you, the narcissist may ask them for information about your plans, whereabouts, and new relationships.
Even if your friend is on good terms with you, they may see no problem passing on information to the narcissist.
The narcissist may even convince them that it’s necessary. Narcissists are good at portraying themselves as victims or as misunderstood souls with good intentions.
Unfortunately, you can’t always count on a mutual friend or a relative to keep your secrets. You can’t always trust their loyalty or resistance to a narcissist’s persuasion.
You must remain on your guard and be careful about what you share with them.
Over time, you may find it easier to determine who you can trust.
But it may not be clear if you’re still in a relationship with a narcissist or have recently left the relationship.
5. Keep records as much as possible
Narcissists generally don’t have a problem breaking promises. They’ll make false claims about the things they say or do.
They may act as if they suffer from selective amnesia about various events.
Whether or not they sincerely believe in their lies is irrelevant. You’re still left to deal with the mess.
To protect your interests and safeguard your sanity, you may need to keep records of your interactions with a narcissist.
For example, if they’re obligated to pay you for something, have their promise spelled out in print. Depending on the circumstances, you may need a contract. Other times, an email works well.
Be sure to make records of your actions as well. This way, the narcissist will be less likely to succeed in claiming that you promised them something or acted improperly.
Documenting various interactions may seem tiresome. But it’s a key way to keep narcissists accountable when you need to deal with them.
6. Avoid or minimize dependence on them
Relying on narcissists will give them a foothold in your life, a way to control you.
Sometimes, having to deal with them is unavoidable. But do what you can to not need anything from them.
They may tempt you with seemingly generous offers. Especially if you’re struggling financially, their promises may sound too good to give up.
Their temporary good behavior may also be enticing if you’re currently feeling lonely.
Along with continuing to heal and develop self-reliance, it’s best to seek other sources of help and companionship.
Giving the narcissist greater access to your life, even in seemingly small ways, increases the chances that they’ll hurt you again.
7. Let go of needing revenge
Getting back at the narcissist is tempting, but it will typically make you feel worse.
Empathy and integrity make it difficult to use a narcissist’s techniques against them without hurting yourself.
You’ll feel that you aren’t the person you want to be.
Plotting revenge also means that you’re thinking too much about the narcissist.
You’re allowing them to dominate your thoughts and giving them power over how you’re directing your life. In that sense, you aren’t outsmarting them.
Letting go of vengeful feelings doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with the narcissist or pretend they never hurt you.
The key is to distance yourself from them and reduce their importance in your mental and emotional landscape.
Once they’re less important to you, they’ll also have less power over you when interacting with them. You’ll perceive the hollowness in their words.
Their attempts to trigger you will come across as pathetic instead of powerful. You also won’t need their approval for anything.
Feelings of revenge often stem from humiliation. If the narcissist has managed to trick you or hurt you again, try to be forgiving to yourself.
The game they’re playing lacks truth and wisdom. It has nothing to do with your worth.
As you heal, you’ll gain confidence and get to know yourself better. You’ll have more opportunities to thrive. Ultimately, the best revenge is to care for yourself and cultivate a meaningful, fulfilling life. The narcissist can’t define your character or potential.
