Narcissist Hoovering: What It Is and How to Deal with It

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have experienced their manipulation tactic known as “hoovering.”

Hoovering is when a narcissist tries to suck you back into a relationship or re-establish contact with you after you’ve ended things.

It can be difficult to resist their attempts, especially if you still have feelings for them or if they’re using tactics like love bombing or fake apologies.

Hoovering can take many forms, from feigned helplessness to creating jealousy to playing the victim. It’s important to recognize these tactics so you can protect yourself from being sucked back into a toxic relationship.

In this article, we’ll explore the various ways narcissists use hoovering to manipulate their victims and provide tips on how to respond if you find yourself being hoovered.

Key Takeaways

• Hoovering is a manipulation tactic used by narcissists to suck their victims back into a relationship or re-establish contact.
• Narcissists use a variety of hoovering tactics, including love bombing, feigned helplessness, and creating jealousy.
• It’s important to recognize these tactics and take steps to protect yourself from being sucked back into a toxic relationship.

Fake Apologies

When a narcissist apologizes, it’s often not a genuine expression of remorse. Instead, it’s a way for them to manipulate you into thinking that they care about your feelings. Here are some common fake apologies used by narcissists:

• The Minimizing Apology: This type of apology downplays the harm they caused. Examples include “I was just kidding,” “I was just trying to help,” or “I was just…”
• The Blaming Apology: This type of apology shifts the blame onto you. Examples include “I’m sorry you got upset,” or “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way.”
• The Deflecting Apology: This type of apology deflects attention away from their behavior and onto something else. Examples include “I’m sorry, but you have to understand that I was under a lot of stress at the time,” or “I’m sorry, but you’re not perfect either.”
• The Conditional Apology: This type of apology comes with conditions attached. Examples include “I’m sorry, but only if you promise not to get upset again,” or “I’m sorry, but only if you admit that you were wrong too.”

It’s important to recognize these types of fake apologies and not fall for them. A genuine apology should include an acknowledgment of the harm caused, an expression of remorse, and a commitment to making things right. If a narcissist can’t give you a genuine apology, it’s a sign that they’re not interested in your well-being and you should consider cutting ties with them.

Remember that uncertainty is a common tactic used by narcissists to keep you under their control. Don’t let them make you doubt yourself or your feelings. Trust your instincts and seek support from friends and family if you need it.

Love Bombing

One of the tactics that narcissists use to manipulate their victims is love bombing. This is when they shower you with excessive attention, affection, and gifts in the early stages of the relationship to make you feel special and loved. They will make grand promises, use romantic gestures, and make you feel like you are the only person in the world that matters.

It’s important to note that love bombing is not genuine love. It’s a way for narcissists to gain control over their victims by making them feel indebted to them. They use it to establish a strong emotional connection with their victims quickly and to create a sense of dependence.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have experienced love bombing. It can be difficult to recognize at first, but it’s important to be aware of the signs. Some common signs of love bombing include:

• Excessive attention and flattery
• Constant communication and contact
• Grand gestures and gifts
• Making promises that seem too good to be true
• Moving the relationship forward quickly

If you are experiencing love bombing, it’s important to take a step back and evaluate the relationship. Remember that love bombing is a tactic used by narcissists to gain control and manipulate their victims. Don’t let yourself be swept away by the attention and affection. Take the time to get to know the person and their true intentions before committing to anything serious.

Creating Jealousy

One of the most common tactics used by narcissists during hoovering is to create jealousy. They may start talking about their new partner or post pictures with them on social media to make you feel jealous and want them back. They may even go as far as to send you flirtatious text messages to make you jealous.

If you find yourself feeling jealous, remember that this is exactly what the narcissist wants. They want you to feel like you’re missing out on something and that they have moved on without you. But in reality, they are just trying to manipulate you into coming back to them.

It’s important to remember that the narcissist’s new partner is not better than you. They are just another victim of the narcissist’s manipulation. Don’t let their actions make you feel insecure or inferior. Instead, focus on your own healing and growth.

If you receive flirtatious text messages from the narcissist, it’s important to not engage with them. Responding to their messages will only give them the attention they crave and make it harder for you to move on. Instead, block their number and focus on yourself.

In conclusion, creating jealousy is a common tactic used by narcissists during hoovering. It’s important to not let their actions make you feel inferior or insecure. Focus on your own healing and growth, and don’t engage with their attempts to manipulate you.

Feigned Helplessness

Another tactic that narcissists use for hoovering is feigned helplessness. They may act like they are unable to function without you, or that they are in a dire situation that only you can help them with. This can make you feel guilty and obligated to engage with them again.

It’s important to remember that this helplessness is often just an act. Narcissists are skilled at manipulating others and may use this tactic to gain validation or control over you. They may also be trying to regain the feelings of power and control they had over you in the past.

If you do decide to engage with a narcissist who is feigning helplessness, it’s important to set clear boundaries. You can offer to help them in a specific way, but make sure it’s something you’re comfortable with and that won’t compromise your own well-being.

It’s also important to recognize that you are not responsible for the narcissist’s problems or well-being. You have the right to prioritize your own needs and feelings, even if the narcissist tries to guilt-trip you into feeling otherwise.

Overall, be cautious when dealing with a narcissist who is feigning helplessness. It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and set clear boundaries to avoid being manipulated or controlled.

Crisis Manufacturing

Narcissists are experts at creating crises to get their way. They will use any means necessary to manufacture a situation that they can then use to manipulate you. This could be a health scare, a dramatic event, or even just a minor inconvenience blown out of proportion.

Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists to create crises. They will twist the truth, deny facts, and even make up lies to make you doubt your own memory and perception of events. This can be especially effective during a crisis, as you may be more vulnerable and willing to believe what they say.

Narcissists may also use a health scare as a way to manipulate you. They may exaggerate their own symptoms or make up illnesses to get your attention and sympathy. This can be a form of emotional manipulation, as they are trying to make you feel guilty or responsible for their well-being.

It’s important to recognize these tactics for what they are and not let the narcissist control the situation. Try to stay calm and focused, and don’t let them draw you into their drama. If you suspect that they are manufacturing a crisis, try to get an outside perspective from a trusted friend or family member.

Remember that narcissists are experts at manipulation, and they will use any means necessary to get what they want. Don’t let them control the situation, and don’t let them make you feel guilty or responsible for their actions. Stay strong and don’t let them play on your emotions.

Using Others

Narcissists have a way of using others to get what they want. They may use their therapist as a way to validate their behavior or to gain sympathy. They may also use their social media accounts to manipulate others and gain attention.

One tactic that narcissists use is called “flying monkeys.” These are people who the narcissist enlists to do their bidding. They may be friends, family members, or even strangers who the narcissist has convinced to do their dirty work. Flying monkeys may be used to spy on you, spread rumors, or even harass you.

If you suspect that you are dealing with a narcissist who is using others to manipulate you, it is important to set boundaries. You may need to cut ties with certain people or limit your interactions with them. It is also important to be aware of the tactics that narcissists use so that you can recognize them when they occur.

Remember that you have the power to take control of the situation. You do not have to let the narcissist use others to control you. Seek support from trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can help you navigate the situation.

Promising Change

When a narcissist wants to hoover you back into a relationship, they may promise significant changes. They may say things like “I’ve realized my mistakes and I’m willing to change,” or “I’ll do anything to make it work this time.” While it’s tempting to believe these promises, it’s important to remember that narcissists are skilled at manipulation and may not actually follow through with their promises.

False promises are a common tactic used by narcissists to regain control over their victims. They know that by promising change, they can get you to lower your guard and open up to them again. However, it’s important to be cautious and not fall for their tricks.

If a narcissist is promising change, it’s important to ask yourself if they have a history of following through with their promises. Have they made similar promises in the past and failed to deliver? Are they making these promises just to get you back under their control?

It’s also important to remember that significant changes take time and effort. If a narcissist is promising to change overnight, it’s likely that they are not being genuine. True change requires self-reflection, therapy, and a willingness to work on oneself.

In conclusion, while it’s tempting to believe a narcissist’s promises of change, it’s important to be cautious and not fall for their manipulation tactics. Remember that significant changes take time and effort, and it’s important to prioritize your own well-being over the false promises of a narcissist.

Sentimentality

When a narcissist tries to hoover you back into their life, they often use sentimentality to tug at your heartstrings. They may bring up memories of happy times you shared together or remind you of positive aspects of the relationship. This can create a sense of nostalgia and make you feel like you’re missing out on something special.

It’s important to remember that these positive memories are only part of the picture. The narcissist is likely ignoring or downplaying the negative aspects of the relationship, such as the emotional abuse or manipulation they may have subjected you to.

While it’s natural to feel a sense of longing for the good times, it’s important to recognize that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness at all times, not just when it’s convenient for the narcissist.

If you find yourself getting caught up in sentimentality, try to focus on the reality of the situation. Remember the times when the narcissist hurt you or made you feel small. Remind yourself of the reasons why you left the relationship in the first place.

It’s okay to feel happy about the positive memories, but don’t let them cloud your judgement or make you forget the negative aspects of the relationship. Stay strong and remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect, always.

Guilting

One of the most common tactics used by narcissists during hoovering is guilting. They may try to make you feel responsible for their problems or make you feel guilty for leaving them. They might say things like, “You left me when I needed you the most” or “You’re the reason I’m so unhappy.”

It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for their feelings or problems. It’s not your job to fix them or make them happy. You have the right to prioritize your own well-being and happiness.

Narcissists often use guilt as a way to manipulate you into doing what they want. They want to make you feel like you owe them something so that you’ll be more likely to give in to their demands. However, it’s important to set boundaries and not let them guilt you into doing something that you’re not comfortable with.

If you do feel guilty, try to examine why. Are you actually responsible for their problems or are they just trying to make you feel that way? Remember that you have the right to say no and prioritize your own needs.

It’s also important to recognize that guilt can be a sign of low self-esteem. Narcissists often have a fragile sense of self and may use guilt to boost their own self-esteem. Don’t let their guilt-tripping bring down your self-esteem. Remember that you are worthy and deserving of respect and love.

Contacting for Practical Reasons

If you have been involved with a narcissist in the past, you may find yourself in a situation where you need to contact them for practical reasons. For example, you may need to ask them for important documents, or you may need to discuss logistics related to shared custody of children or pets.

When contacting a narcissist for practical reasons, it is important to be clear and concise in your communication. Keep your message focused on the practical matter at hand, and avoid getting drawn into any emotional discussions or arguments.

It may be helpful to use a medium of communication that allows you to keep a record of the conversation, such as email or text message. This can help to avoid any confusion or miscommunication, and can also provide you with documentation in case you need to refer back to the conversation later.

When contacting a narcissist, it is important to set boundaries and to be assertive in your communication. If the narcissist tries to steer the conversation in a different direction or becomes aggressive or confrontational, it is important to stay focused on the practical matter at hand and to disengage from any emotional discussions.

Remember that you have the right to set boundaries and to protect yourself from any emotional manipulation or abuse. If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe in any way, it is okay to end the conversation and to seek support from a trusted friend or professional.

Overall, when contacting a narcissist for practical reasons, it is important to stay focused on the matter at hand, to communicate clearly and assertively, and to prioritize your own safety and well-being.

Playing the Victim

One common tactic of narcissistic hoovering is for the abuser to play the victim. They may claim that they are the ones who have been hurt, and that they need your help or forgiveness. This is a manipulative tactic that is often used to guilt-trip you into resuming contact with the narcissist.

It’s important to remember that narcissists are skilled at manipulating others, and they will often use any means necessary to get what they want. By playing the victim, they are attempting to shift the blame onto you and make you feel guilty for their actions.

If you find yourself in this situation, it’s important to stay strong and not give in to their manipulations. Remember that you are not responsible for their behavior, and you have the right to set boundaries and protect yourself from further abuse.

If the narcissist continues to play the victim, you may need to cut off contact completely to protect your own mental and emotional well-being. Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and you have the power to take control of your own life.

In conclusion, narcissistic hoovering is a form of abuse that can be incredibly damaging to victims. It’s important to recognize the signs of hoovering and take steps to protect yourself from further manipulation and abuse. By setting boundaries and staying strong, you can break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse and reclaim your power and independence.

Smear Campaigns

When dealing with a narcissist, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a smear campaign. This is when the narcissist spreads false or misleading information about you to others in order to undermine your credibility and isolate you from your support system. It can be a devastating experience, leaving you feeling alone and unsure of who to trust.

One of the main reasons a narcissist engages in a smear campaign is to maintain control over you. By discrediting you to others, they can manipulate and control the narrative, making it difficult for you to defend yourself. They may also do this to gain attention and validation from others, as it feeds their need for narcissistic supply.

During a smear campaign, a narcissist may use a variety of tactics to manipulate and control the situation. They may exaggerate or instigate rumors, slander you, or even spread outright lies. They may also use manipulation tactics to make you doubt yourself, such as gaslighting.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of a smear campaign, it’s important to stay grounded and seek support from trusted friends and family members. Don’t engage with the narcissist or their enablers, as this will only fuel their behavior. Instead, focus on building a strong support system and taking care of yourself.

Remember, a smear campaign is not a reflection of your worth or character. It’s a manipulative tactic used by a narcissist to maintain control and gain attention. Stay strong and don’t let their behavior define you.

Accidental Run-ins

One of the most uncomfortable situations that can arise after a narcissistic breakup is an accidental run-in with your ex-partner. These run-ins can happen anywhere, from the grocery store to the gym, and can trigger a range of emotions, from anger to sadness.

If you are concerned about accidentally running into your ex-partner, you may be experiencing fear of abandonment or stalking. It is important to prioritize your safety and well-being in these situations. If you feel unsafe or threatened, do not hesitate to seek help from a trusted friend or professional.

To prepare for accidental run-ins, it may be helpful to develop a safety plan. This plan could include identifying safe places to go if you encounter your ex-partner, having a trusted friend or family member on standby to help you in case of an emergency, and even changing your routine to avoid potential run-ins.

Additionally, it can be helpful to practice self-care and self-compassion in the aftermath of an accidental run-in. This may include taking time for yourself to process your emotions, seeking support from loved ones, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment.

Remember, accidental run-ins can be difficult to navigate, but prioritizing your safety and well-being is key. By developing a safety plan and practicing self-care, you can better prepare yourself for these situations and minimize their impact on your emotional well-being.

Post-Breakup Negotiations

After a breakup with a narcissist, negotiations can be challenging. You may find yourself feeling guilty, angry, or confused. It’s essential to remember that the narcissist’s behavior is not your fault, and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. Here are some tips to help you navigate post-breakup negotiations with a narcissist:

• Set boundaries: It’s crucial to establish clear boundaries with the narcissist. Let them know what you are and are not willing to tolerate. Be firm and consistent with your boundaries.
• Communicate effectively: Keep communication with the narcissist to a minimum. When you do communicate, be clear and concise. Avoid emotional discussions and stick to the facts.
• Stay focused on your goals: Don’t get sidetracked by the narcissist’s attempts to manipulate or control you. Stay focused on your goals and what you want to achieve.
• Get support: Surround yourself with supportive friends and family members. Consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse.
• Take care of yourself: Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Practice self-care activities that make you feel good about yourself.

Remember, negotiating with a narcissist can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. Stay focused, set boundaries, and take care of yourself. You deserve to be happy and healthy, and you can achieve that with the right support and mindset.

Fluctuating Between Reward and Punishment

When dealing with a narcissist, it is common to experience a fluctuation between reward and punishment. Narcissists often use this tactic to maintain power and control over their victims.

At times, the narcissist may reward you with attention, affection, and praise. This can make you feel valued and loved, but it is important to remember that these rewards are not genuine. They are simply a way for the narcissist to maintain their power over you.

On the other hand, the narcissist may also use punishment to maintain control. This can include silent treatment, withholding affection, and even verbal or physical abuse. It is important to recognize these behaviors as abusive and not accept them as normal or deserved.

It is important to remember that the fluctuation between reward and punishment is a tactic used by the narcissist to maintain their power and control over you. By recognizing these behaviors, you can start to take steps to break free from their manipulative tactics and regain your power and control.

Some ways to break free from the narcissist’s control include setting boundaries, seeking support from friends and family, and seeking professional help. Remember, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and you have the power to break free from the narcissist’s hold on you.

Frequently Asked Questions

How can you resist narcissist hoovering?

Resisting narcissist hoovering can be challenging, but it’s essential to protect yourself from further harm. One of the best ways to resist hoovering is to maintain strict no-contact boundaries. Block the narcissist’s phone number, email, and social media accounts, and avoid any physical contact with them. Additionally, seek support from a therapist or support group to help you stay strong and resist any attempts at contact.

What are some examples of hoovering tactics used by narcissists?

Narcissists use a variety of hoovering tactics to suck you back into a relationship. Some common examples include love bombing, where they shower you with attention and affection, only to withdraw it later. They may also use guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and manipulation to make you feel responsible for their problems and draw you back in.

What does narcissistic hoovering look like?

Narcissistic hoovering can take many forms, but it often involves attempts to regain contact with you after a period of separation. The narcissist may send you messages or try to call you, show up uninvited at your home or workplace, or use mutual friends or family members to try to get in touch with you.

What triggers a narcissist to hoover you?

Narcissists may hoover you for various reasons, such as to regain control over you, to alleviate their boredom or loneliness, or to manipulate you into meeting their needs. They may also hoover you when they feel threatened or abandoned, or when they need a source of narcissistic supply.

How should you respond to narcissist hoovering?

The best way to respond to narcissist hoovering is to maintain strict no-contact boundaries. Do not respond to their messages or calls, and avoid any physical contact with them. If you must interact with them, keep it brief and business-like, and avoid getting drawn into any emotional discussions or arguments.

What are the stages of narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse typically follows a cycle of three stages: love bombing, devaluation, and discard. During the love bombing stage, the narcissist showers you with attention and affection. In the devaluation stage, they begin to withdraw their affection and may criticize or belittle you. Finally, in the discard stage, they may end the relationship abruptly or discard you in another way. After the discard stage, they may hoover you to try to regain control over you.