Narcissists and Sex: 8 Ways To Know You’re Having Sex With a Narcissist

Are you interested in narcissists and sex insights? Then this guide is for you!

Sex with a narcissist can be increasingly disappointing, much like regular life is with a narcissist.

Feeling down, ashamed or embarrassed about anything sexually because of your partner?

Even if you feel that way, you shouldn’t have to. Just know that those feelings are the result of abuse.

Now, before we get started, there’s something important to know. Sexual narcissism and sex with a narcissist are similar but distinct from one another.

Sexual narcissism is when someone displays narcissistic traits only during sex but may not in other aspects of everyday life.

If this applies to your situation, pay close attention to points seven and eight to protect yourself from a form of devious and destructive abuse.

Sex with a narcissist is simply having sex with someone who is a narcissist 24/7. You notice the same behavior patterns in and out of the bedroom.

Ok, here are some signs that you’re dealing with a narcissist.

1. They don’t care about your needs or fantasies

Unless your fantasies match theirs and your passion is pleasing someone else, expect to never feel fulfilled. In the early phase of the relationship, the narcissist may pretend to care.

To reel you in and hook you, the narcissist will learn about what you like in bed. They’ll make you feel like it’s their duty to serve you.

After that short-lived phase, you’re suddenly serving the narcissist. Because of other negative behaviors, you may even feel like you need to pretend you’re satisfied when you’re not.

If you bring it up, the narcissist may cut you off for a while or somehow make it seem like your fault. Every time you have sex after that, you may pick up on some harbored resentment.

No, it’s not just you. Narcissists hold onto grudges for a long time.

The only time a narcissist may listen to you and try to fulfill your needs is when it serves them, and we’ll delve into that with number five.

2. You suddenly don’t do anything right

Maybe the narcissist was mildly rough and more playful in the beginning. Now, you notice that the narcissist is so forceful that it’s about as pleasant as a root canal.

“You used to enjoy this. What’s wrong with you?” Those are the kinds of things narcissists may say.

Typical of their affinity for using gaslighting, they’ll make you question reality with statements like that.

You still know and do what the narcissist likes, but you’re not doing a good enough job now.

The narcissist may make it seem your fault whenever you’re left unsatisfied. If you voice the problem, expect the narcissist to turn it around and start criticizing everything you do during sex.

3. Anything new you want to do is suspect or not ok

Looking to spice things up? With a narcissist, forget about it. What the narcissist wants is always what must happen.

What happens when you want to try something new because you enjoy pleasure too? Glad you asked.

The narcissist may ask why you want to do that or where you learned it. You may have read about it online or heard about it from a friend.

Maybe it’s a fantasy you’ve had for years and were too shy to talk about. The narcissist can viciously turn that shyness into quick shame when they shut down your idea.

You may be accused of cheating or questioned endlessly. Things like that can make you feel like bottling up not just your fantasies, but your emotions in general.

Narcissists often pretend to be open and adventurous initially, but you’ll soon see they’re very specific or limited about what they allow.

4. Physical gratification is most important

For many people, sex is more than just enjoying something that feels good. It’s a time to bond, be intimate, and grow closer.

Maybe you like to cuddle and enjoy having a conversation. After the sex is over, don’t expect the narcissist to want any of that. They’re after all forms of gratification in and out of the bedroom.

Narcissists’ feelings of guilt and shame often make them grumpy or moody. They may roll over and go to sleep, ignore you or put down what you say.

The only exception to all this is when conversation concerns them, and it sure better be something that’s ego-boosting. That’s what we’ll talk about next.

5. They always want praise

If you’re feeling confused and thinking that the narcissist sometimes cares about satisfying you, or if the person does like to talk after sex, look at the reasons.

Does the person do what you like and then ask about it afterward? It’s one thing to talk about how great the sex was after it’s over. However, it’s another thing to turn it into a full-blown investigation.

You’ll probably notice that the narcissist doesn’t talk about how much fun that was or how great you are. They’ll ask what you liked and ask you to describe in detail just how great they made you feel.

This is part of the narcissist’s supply. Just as they need compliments in everyday life to boost their ego, they also need that with sex.

They may even ask about previous sexual partners. You may be asked to detail why the narcissist is the best you ever had.

You probably have to lie, right? Understandable!

6. Sex is their entitlement

When you’re the main human component of a narcissist’s supply, the narcissist expects you to sacrifice everything.

Part of the narcissist’s process of slowly draining all your sanity is making you do everything they want. When the narcissist wants sex, and you aren’t in the mood, you’ll be the bad guy.

The narcissist may say that their last partner was always happy and eager to have sex, implying that there’s something wrong with them.

Narcissists often accuse partners of cheating when they don’t want sex and may insult them.

Just as a narcissist will find another supplier of attention, money or other gratification, they’ll seek out a more doting sexual partner if they feel like you’re not living up to their expectations.

7. They use sex to control you

Every narcissist needs to be in control. When your partner is controlling during sex, that can also carry over into controlling your everyday life.

Some may turn sex into a game you don’t want to play. For example, you may not be allowed to finish until the narcissist says so.

Controlling sexual behavior involves coercion, manipulation or force. Watch out for those.

Remember, sometimes they want to fulfill your desires, so you can give them a book-length verbal description of how great they are.

If sex isn’t what they want it to be, expect moodiness, the silent treatment or a super-fun variety of other childish reactions.

Why? Because when it’s not what they want, they see themselves as losing the control they need to survive.

8. They use sex to abuse you

Narcissists can be physically aggressive and are not above physical abuse. However, most of their abuse is psychological. What makes abuse through sex so dangerous is that nobody else sees it.

Most victims feel so confused and ashamed of themselves, thanks to the narcissist’s rotten mind tricks, that they don’t talk about it with friends. If this rings true for you, please find a counselor you can trust.

Even if you don’t have a pound to lose, the narcissist may comment, “It’s ok that you’re fat. It’ll gross me out someday, but for now, it’s hot.”

They may also say manipulative things like, “What’s taking you so long? I’m already finished – are you not attracted to me anymore?”

They’re snakes. Try to remember that anything negative they say is just a projection of their lack of self-esteem, their self-loathing, and their shame.

Psychological abuse that involves sex can be permanently damaging and may ruin the enjoyment or intimacy you can get from it in future relationships.

Gaslighting, manipulating, blaming, and shaming are never parts of healthy sexual behavior. You deserve better.

If you’re in a toxic relationship like this, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of it ASAP. Your future self will thank you!

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